Okay, so, yes. The fall TV season and my thoughts on it thus far.

This post mentions many many shows. I've organized them by new and returning shows, and then further by comedy and drama, and then in alphabetic order. That way you can click and skim through to read just the ones you're interested in reading and can skip over ones where you don't want to be spoiled for stuff, etc.

( my bigass 2009 fall TV show post )

Transphobic people on the internet are wrong again over at feministing. I've been seeing mentions of this around and finally went to take a look today at the links here and here and also here and over here, where people in the comments section just generally fail. [Links are in the order in which I found/read them, but in reverse order of when they were posted - they all link to one another and the newer ones reference discussions that happened in the earlier ones]

I identify as genderqueer, but am absolutely cisgendered and carry loads of cis privilege that I am still working on unpacking for myself. I want to respond to the bigotry I'm seeing, but also want to make sure and say that I might get some shit wrong myself, so I'm absolutely open to correction. I'd hate to inadvertently hurt any of my trans friends, but I'm trying to be a better ally so I'm gonna do my best, here because I'm angry about what is being said in those comments and want to make a few important points clear to anyone reading my journal here.

1. OMEFFFFG, I'm sorry, but no No NO it is not rape or sexual assault if you are attracted to a person who is transgendered, have consensual sex with that person, and then later find out that they are trans. It's just ... it's not even in the same vicinity as rape or assault. At the absolute very very mostest worstness, this person withheld information that might have made you reconsider having sex with them. That is not rape or assault or even fucking fraud, okay? If it was done maliciously, then it was not nice, but I'm gonna go ahead and guess that most of the time trans people are not going around maliciously withholding facts about themselves any more than cis people are.

2. If you think knowing whether someone is trans or cis before having sex with them is important to know, then you better fucking make sure you self-disclose every time and specifically ask everyone you intend to have sex with first because it is just fucking not their responsibility to read your mind and glean that it might be an issue for you beforehand.

3. Someone is not being maliciously deceitful if they don't tell you on YOUR preferred timetable (or at ALL for that matter) if they happened to have been born the gender they actually are or not.

4. It is absofuckinglutely not appropriate to tell a trans person that they ought to disclose their trans status for their own safety because, you know, people get killed over not doing that. That is blaming the victim pure and simple and is equatable to telling women that they should never wear tight clothing or go out at night or they should have known better than to have dated that guy who ended up being violent because you know, people get raped for those things. Fuck off.

5. A trans man is a man and a trans woman is a woman. Period. (Unless they also happen to identify as genderqueer or something else which self-identifies them as something other than strictly male or female.) Someone is not LYING to you if you they present as the gender they are, identify as the gender they are, and tell you that they are the gender they are. They frigging ARE that gender.

6. Trans/cis is NOT a sexual orientation. It might be your PREFERENCE not to sleep with/date/marry someone who is trans (or cis for that matter), but it has nothing at all whatsoever to do with whether you are gay or straight or bi or whatever. Look at it this way:

If someone was born into a male body but actually is a female, whether they go through any/all of the official transitioning procedures to make their bodies match their identities or not, then that person is woman. And if your orientation is such that it includes being attracted to women, and you find this particular woman attractive, then there is no need to go into a panic about your own orientation or be pissed at this woman for "fooling" you into being attracted to her or what have you. She's a woman you are attracted to and you are attracted to women, baddabing, there ya go. No biggie. If it turns out that this particular woman who you are attracted to has male genitalia or secondary sex characteristics that you didn't notice before but notice upon becoming sexual, and that makes her unappealing to you sexually, that is fine. You don't have to have sex with her. But don't freak out and say she was lying to you if she wasn't and then lie yourself by saying you were never attracted to her in the first place, because she's somehow not a "real" woman. Admit it, you were attracted to her and wanted to have sex with her. And that's okay. Because she IS a Real Woman.
[BTW, MY preference would be to never have sex with/date/marry a bigoted transphobic jerkass, but that doesn't mean my orientation is Non-biogted-transphobic-jerkass-sexual.]

7. There is absofuckinglutely nothing wrong with being attracted to someone who is trans, mmmkay? Because there is absofuckinglutely nothing wrong with *being* trans.

8. Don't fucking liken transgenderedness to sexually transmitted diseases. Yes, someone with an STI should disclose this information to anyone they are going to become sexual with because it is essential to those people's healths. There is no health risk of any kind in having sex with someone because they are transgendered. [And btw, I'm also not saying there is anything wrong with someone who has an STI - only that they actually do have a responsibility to disclose something about themselves before entering into a sexual relationship.]

9. Guess what? Saying "I'm not transphobic I just feel disgusted by the very idea that someone I might have had sex with was transgendered" = YOU ARE TRANSPHOBIC.

10. If someone is hesitant to disclose to you that they are transgendered, there are some valid fucking reasons for that. It doesn't make them a big meanie lying pants. Just as someone who is gay won't always come out and tell everyone they know. Or someone who is polyamorous. Or any number of other things that society looks down upon so severely that it can be dangerous to one's actual life to tell the wrong person, much less put friendships, family relationships, jobs, homes, and so much more at risk. Please take that into consideration before you get pissed at someone for not telling you right away.

11. Just because most or all of your experiences have been that all women were born into totally female bodies and all men were born into totally male bodies, does not mean that this is true of every woman or man you will encounter in your life. Because cisgendered people are the majority, they become the default in most people's minds. Just like being straight, white, able-bodied, etc. But that doesn't make it fair to just assume that everyone is cisgendered and to call someone a liar for not coming out and telling you that they are not.

12. It is extremely easy to find great 101-level information on trans* stuff by just googling "trans 101". I did it and came up with a whole bunch of links - some to sites I've been to before and some I hadn't. If you are new to thinking and talking about trans issues, then please do some googling and reading before making any comments to this post. I won't tolerate any transphobic comments here, and if anyone spots one that I missed (being that I'm not MUCH above a 101 level myself), let me know here or privately and I will address it.

13. Some resources I've personally found helpful:
Questioning Transphobia - see especially the Transphobic Tropes series of posts.
a glossary of sorts... by trans author Julia Serano.
Trans Ally 101 Training
Cis Privilege Checklist
Trans 101

Feel free to link-drop me other good stuff!

For the past two nights, Cleo has been doing this super adorable thing where she sleeps on my pillow, right above my head, and cuddles my head! Every now and then when she shifts positions, I feel her leg float across my face, which makes me smile. I like having her nuzzled against my body under the blankets best, but I know she often gets claustrophobic or just needs to get up for some reason and I'm sleeping and don't always lift the blanket up for her right away. I know this because I wake up with scratch marks on my arms or to the sensation of her smacking me with her paws. So, I get why snuggling my head might be working better for her, and we're still touching and I can easily reach up and pet her still. Also, she gets to make a nest in the pillow for herself, which she loves (see: top of sofa and off to one side where there is a permanent Cleo-sized dent). Much better than the alternative of sleeping at the foot of the bed, for sure. Head snuggling. Who woulda thought?

Also, I got a really nice compliment via email this evening by someone who I've been a little fangirling myself, and that cheered me up.

Also, I'm going to make some nachos for my bedtime snack. And there is good television to watch tonight.

Read thru entries, but didn't feel up to commenting.

Friday night started out fun, but then my really bad chest pain flared up. Carrie kindly spent an hour and half taking care of me - helping me take deep breaths and such. This happened about 20 minutes into starting Battlestar, and then when we were able to resume (the pain flared back down after the hour and a half and was totally gone by the two hour mark), my meds were kicking in and I was falling asleep. So I'll have to come back to that another time.

Saturday, I enjoyed my movie marathon, even though 15 straight hours of scary movies was maybe not the best idea for someone who is already in the throes of anxiety and triggeriness. But I had fun anyway. Even if I did have some violent dreams when I made it to bed.

Today, I'm just feeling worn and spent and depressed and funky. Again.

I am sorry for being such a downer lately. I'm trying to focus on the positive stuff. That just doesn't always come out because when I'm posting it's often because I'm needing a good vent, you know?

These days, everyone in the world seems to be on Facebook, including our bosses, parents, and the people we hated in high school. So what would it be like if superheroes like Batman, Spider-Man and Superman were updating their statuses, taking quizzes, and commenting on each other's profiles like the rest of us? Chris Sims of the Invincible Super-Blog takes a closer look into the Facebook feeds of our favorite heroes

http://www.comicsalliance.com/2009/10/05/super-social-networking-comic-book-character-facebook-status-u/

I've chosen my movies for tomorrow's marathon: Sweeny Todd, Scream, Wanted, The Craft, The Mist, Don't Say A Word, and One Missed Call. I figure there is enough variance there that if, for example, I get too creeped out by the horror I can switch easily to a more general drama/mystery flick. Not sure if I'll get through all of them or not, but if not, I'll have something fun extra to watch later on.

Tonight, Carrie is coming over and we'll watch Vampire Diaries and then finally get me started on Battlestar Galactica. Possibly watch some Supernatural season four with her, as she's still catching up on that, too. Usually, there would be a Dollhouse viewing, but there isn't a new one tonight, so oh well.

I'm guessing tonight's Ghost Whisperer and Medium will have some Halloween themes, so that will be fun to catch at some point, too. As well as last night's Supernatural which I haven't gotten to yet.

Which reminds me, I haven't posted about how I'm liking the new fall season yet, have I? What I'm watching, what I've dropped, what I'm still unsure of, etc. I might wait until after the pilot episode of V so I can include that, so hopefully sometime next week I'll finally make my big TV post.

In the meantime, I'm mostly reminding myself of all of the fun things coming up for me to help ease the anxiety that is still plaguing me. I think I'm going to put the decision making about food and such on Carrie tonight so that I don't even have to think about it.

Philadelphia Cream Cheese Spinach and Artichoke flavor and Wheat Thins Crackers FTW, kids.

But that is not why I called you together. I am a better cook now than I was when I was oh, say ten years old.

Back then, my specialty of the house was a "sloppy joe" concoction that well, I'll reproduce the recipe:

Brown 1 LB ground beef.

Add ketchup, mustard and relish until the ground beef sticks together. Simmer.

Eat for lunch, and serve balance to mother who will eat it because someone else cooked.

Pepto Bismal for desert (for her)


Anyway, now I make decent food. I am no gourmet chef, but I do OK.


Today when I went to the store I got a can of chicken noodle soup because I have had a naggy cough for a couple of weeks and I thought "chicken soup! What can it hurt?"

Well apparently, I still make condensed soup the same way I did when I was ten. Ie: Pan, soup, can of water, heat on HIGH, go do something else until soup becomes MEGA BOILING HOT.

In the intervening years, I have forgotten how to eat soup prepared that way which is: "crumble a million crackers into the soup; sip carefully from spoon."

Ouch.

But anyway. Yeah. Chicken soup for the shirt. Make a nice series of semi-books.

And now, the soup is at an edible temperature.

I just want to say again how awesome the new website "FWD (feminists with disabilities) for a way forward" is. Click here to check it out. It's become a routine stop in my online daily checks lately and I'm increasingly impressed with the new posts put up each day. I'm learning so much, and engaging in such interesting conversations in the comments, and it's a very empowering feeling. I highly recommend it to people with disabilities and loved ones of people with disabilities, feminists, and anyone wanting to learn more about the intersection of feminism and disability issues.

Also, I'm gonna toot my own horn a little here. A post of mine here on LJ got included in a link roundup last week: click here for the roundup post. It was the post where I was basically commenting to a post there about the TV show House and the rant it caused in me about pain management vs. addiction - which also garnered me some terrific comment discussion here that I really appreciated.

Anyway, this was my first time being linked to in a big blog post. Although, I was included in a couple of linkspam posts about the Feministing blog issues over at DreamWidth's community access fandom - which is also pretty cool. And there is lots of interesting stuff to find in those posts, too.

Also of interest, it appears Feministing has finally made a public post about the issue, which you can find by clicking here. Read the comments, too, and see some of the problematic things said in the post. Sometimes progress is so slow.

Going back to stressing out over little every day things again.

OCD and PTSD are both anxiety disorders when it comes down to it, and it's sometimes difficult for me to know which is the cause of anxiety I feel because they tend to flare one another up and can even have similar symptoms at times.

One thing I know is that the PTSD often makes me feel like I'm still a very small child, not a grown up, and that makes it very difficult for me to function in grown up ways.

Another thing I know is that the OCD regulates pretty much everything I do, so when I lose control of it a bit, I end up having extreme difficulty making even basic decisions about daily life.

Both of these aspects of these disorders are acting up right now. I find that trying to decide what to have to eat can cause me high anxiety where I'm crying and feeling stuck. It's like, I've been too depressed (oh yea, the depression plays a role too) and too sick (and yea the fibro) to sit down and make my daily plans all chartered out the way I usually do. Or if I do make them, they feel off (OCD) or impossible (PTSD or fibro depending on if it feels physically impossible or emotionally impossible). So I've scrapped doing it for now. So then I try and use other OCD devises to make my decisions more on the fly, as I go throughout the day.

So, okay, it's time to eat and I'm hungry. I pick a few options available to me, do my little OCD counting ritual to choose one of them, and then panic. Either it seems too hard physically (fibro) or too complex (PTSD - too many steps involved for a five year old to manage!) or just Not Right Somehow (OCD - doesn't fit within my Rules or just doesn't feel right for some unexplained reason that makes me feel twitchy and panicky).

And, okay, I sometimes don't like or can't do something my OCD tells me to do. I've learned I can move on to the next option, and be okay. But then something is wrong with that option too, so more panic, and so and so forth. And eventually I'm sitting there sobbing and/or pacing around flailing my arms around because I can't land on ANYthing to eat.

Eventually, I make some sort of decision (and the child-self does often win here picking comfort foods and sweets) and go with it. But I question myself the whole time, feel worried that I'm doing something wrong, and beat myself up about my choice for hours.

It's ... not pretty.

This is my entire day lately. I find when an episode of television that I'm watching is coming to an end that the anxiety starts kicking in because I know I'll have to choose what to do with my time next. I'll admit, I'm letting myself slack a lot because it feels better to do less stressful things, and most things feel stressful. So, I'm watching lots of TV and the like. But every once in awhile, I'll be firm with myself about getting something productive done.

Like this evening, I decided I really needed to pay some bills. I had to take lots of deep breaths, do lots of positive self-talk, and stop and start several times before I got it done. I wrote two checks and made mistakes on both them. I kept wanting to write the wrong date and got confused about basic calculations. It felt like this chore was way too grown up and complex for little old me and very very scary.

Just now I microwaved myself something for dinner and cried the whole time it was cooking and while I ate it because it felt scary. It was something new I'd never made/ate before and I felt like it was too complicated. Yea, microwaving a meal and eating it felt too complicated.

It's a little bit amazing I'm even getting out of bed right now, much less managing the basic daily functions like brushing my teeth and making meals to eat. I almost had a panic attack just checking the pharmacy website to see if a medication was called in yet or not. But I made myself do it, and am managing to make myself do a few other important things. But it sucks. I'm going to post this quick before my OCD changes it's mind and deletes everything because I think I need to share what's going on in my head.

for more go to:


http://ryandartist.blogspot.com/2009/10/comic-strip-mashups.html

I keep meaning to make a post about how I'm doing, but they all start out "blahblahlifesucksI'msad" and end up with me be annoyed at myself and deleting them.

I'm just wallowing a bit. And I noticed that wallow rhymes with fallow, and I guess I'm in a fallow state again. I'm trying to accept that and be okay with it. Especially difficult after having had two really productive weeks in a row last month. But this is this month and I'm struggling due to both physical and mental health issues and I'm not giving up on life but am also not trying to fight it all so hard and just be okay with the particular part of the flow I happen to be right now.

On the bright side, I'm getting lots of TV watched and books read??